Procrastination, Another Word for Fear

Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear. George Addair  

fear pic

Most of my life I have been plagued with anxiety, and while suffering from it has been difficult, hiding it has been much easier. On the outside I would come off as maybe a little intense or excitable, but not anxious. However, inside, I was a wreck. My mind would be racing while my heart would follow. I would feel as if there was a storm that I couldn’t control internally shifting me for reasons I couldn’t explain. On top of the emotional chaos, anxiety has a way of playing tricks on my mind, and for a very long time, I allowed it to dictate my thoughts and ultimately my actions in this adventure called life.

While there are many reasons behind my anxiety, fear is the most profound. Fear of spiders, natural heights, massive crowds, my laundry pile, gloomy weather, unfamiliar places, losing someone I love, or one that kept me from truly living for so many years, rejection.

Rejection, not meeting up to someone’s expectation, or being left out, is/was (I’m working on it) paralyzing for me. Was it a learned thought process rather than a born one, I would answer yes, aren’t most fears learned at one time or another? When did I learn it? I may tell you that it was the 2nd grade when I was completely embarrassed for blowing my nose from a cold in front of the class and they all laughed, or because I was almost six foot tall in middle school and towered over not just the girls, but the boys as well, but honestly, I’m not sure exactly when I learned it, and maybe it was a progressive compilation of many moments, but no matter how it happened, or when it happened, it scared the hell out of me.

As with my anxiety, I learned to hide this fear by pretending all was good, life was grand, and that every decision I made I made with upmost, pigheaded confidence. I would be so convincing to others that I began to convince myself. Although I never realized it then, lying to myself became the norm and along with lying as a defense mechanism for my fear, I recently learned that procrastination was a sneaky “characteristic” that not only kept me from facing that fear, but gave me the ultimate excuse. It was part of my personality, it was who I was.

I look back and I am beside myself to think of all the times procrastination either delayed a blow to the ego, avoided frightening confrontation or kept me from rejection all together. What I wasn’t seeing back then was that eventually it all caught up with me, and if I would have just dealt with the situation in the moment it wouldn’t have been so difficult later.

I’ve only recently admitted these facts about my personality to myself, because only recently have I realized how prominent I use this mechanism in my life, and only recently did it truly click why. My revelation came when I was asking for universal guidance and then questioning my own actions in the process. As I’ve said in many of my previous posts, my true path is to inspire, and my goal is to do so as an author. Funny thing is though, to be an author, you have to write a book.

I have the ideas, I have the words, I even have the outline, but for some reason I cannot get myself to start page one. In this moment, I thought about all the reasons I haven’t begun, like I’m too busy at work, I have too many obligations, I feel blocked, I need to meditate instead, I have to binge watch Netflix, it’s too nice outside, I have to prep dinners (which I absolutely never do, but it’s been an excuse), and the list goes on and on, and then suddenly the light bulb went off in my head, it finally dinged. I am terrified.  

Being on a solid stretch of self-discovery and sharing my journey, and what helps me along the way has opened my eyes to who I really am, and to the lies that anxiety and fear have been telling me for so long. I am procrastinating. I am so afraid I either won’t finish, or I won’t succeed that I continue to make excuses to not takes steps toward my goal. This frustrates and angers me, but most of all, it saddens me.

In so many aspects of my life I have taken incredible leaps and bounds toward my truth, and encourage others to do the same, but for this, my ultimate dream, I’m so scared of it disappearing, I’m paralyzed at the notion of trying. Even right now, I should be writing Chapter One, but instead, I’m writing about how I’m not writing.

With these new-found revelations, I decided that it is time to take my own advice. While I’m nervous typing these words, I am consciously aware why I am standing still, and consciously aware that I need to get over it. I will write my book and I will start now.

As we walk our paths within our true selves understanding that we are here for a reason, we cannot let fear hold us back. I know this, and I now know more than ever that it is my choice to stay where I’m at or step toward my purpose. Today, I choose to take that step, I hope all who read this do too.

 Much Love,

Lisa J

As a side note, when I began blogging, I was also terrified, but today, I am truly grateful for this platform as without it and without the opportunity to share my thoughts, I may still be paralyzed by fear. Thank you for allowing me to share my story and thank you for reading. ❤

13 thoughts on “Procrastination, Another Word for Fear

  1. Wow I could really relate to this post; I have suffered from anxiety all my life. Unlike you; though; my anxiety has always shined through. People can tell I am anxious right away and it hurts because it keeps from meeting people and I continue to be lonely. But what really struck me about your blog was when you talk about rejection; that is my biggest fear. And when I say rejection I don’t mean dating per se but more from people want to get to know me. I actually had a dream last night about an old friend of mine who I always had a crush on. We live far away but talk online a lot and comment on each others posts etc. I saw a recent picture of her and she is still beautiful. And I thought that if we ever met in person again that she wouldn’t like me or something. So last night I had a dream that she had come over to my house for a get together and I was trying to talk to her but she seemed annoyed and dismissive. I felt kind of crushed and the dream was intense. I woke up feeling really hurt and had to convince myself it was a dream. But it’s this constant fear of rejection, you know? It causes a lot of anxiety. I am babbling but it seems to be a constant theme in my life and my writing. But I do hope day you are able to write a book and get published; we all have a story to tell and it deserves to be heard. Man, I talk alot so I’ll stop

    Take care,
    Dave

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Anxiety can take over our thoughts and control our actions even when we don’t realize. It’s taken me a long time to understand that about myself. What has helped me is understanding I can’t control anything but me, how people react and what other people feel is on them. Just know that you should never apologize for who you are, if people don’t like that they shouldn’t be in your life anyway. Thank you for reading and I hope one day I have a book out there too! You’re right we all have a story and we all have a voice. Take care and remember to just breathe, it really does help.
      Lisa J

      Liked by 1 person

  2. MelissaM

    Thanks for sharing! So many of us experience anxiety in different forms and for different reasons, but it’s not easy to talk about. I hope you do start page one soon…I would love to read it!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Its OK to be scared, we all are. We all procrastinate but the fact that you accept it shows your strength, shows that you ready to abandon the ‘procrastination’. For me, just speaking about it makes you more courageous than a lot many extroverts and go-getters.

    Liked by 1 person

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